“Alone in a crowd; hungry for company, but ambivalent about contact.”

—The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone

The creative person is constantly seeking to discover himself, to remodel his own identity, and to find meaning in the universe through what he creates.  He finds this a valuable integrating process which, like meditation or prayer, has little to do with other people, but which has its own separate validity.  His most significant moments are those in which he attains some new insight, or makes some new discovery; and these moments are chiefly, if not invariably, those in which he is alone.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

“Tis not that a wise man may not live everywhere content, and be alone in the very crowd of a palace; but if it be left to his own choice, the schoolman will tell you that he should fly the very sight of the crowd: he will endure it if need be; but if it be referred to him, he will choose to be alone.”

—Michel de Montaigne, On Solitude

But even the closest relationship is bound to have flaws and disadvantages, and it is often because people do not accept this that they are more unhappy than they need be, and more inclined to abandon one another.  If it is accepted that no relationship is ever ideal, it makes it easier to understand why men and women need other sources of fulfilment.  As we have seen, many creative activities are predominantly solitary.  They are concerned with self-realization and self-development in isolation, or with finding some coherent pattern in life.  The degree to which these creative activities take priority in the life of an individual varies with his personality and talents.  Everyone needs some human relationships; but everyone also needs some kind of fulfilment which is relevant to himself alone.  Provided that they have friends and acquaintances, those who are passionately engaged in pursuing interests which are important to them may achieve happiness without having any very close relationships.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

The less a person feels himself to be embedded in a family and social nexus, the more he feels that he has to make his mark in individual fashion. Originality implies being bold enough to go beyond accepted norms.  Sometimes it involves being misunderstood or rejected by one’s peers. Those who are not too dependent upon (or too closely involved with) others find it easier to ignore convention.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

It is also not unknown for creative people, once they have achieved an intimate relationship, to lose some of their imaginative drive.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

He simply detached himself form the cold and unrewarding world and retreated into phantasy.  From the earliest age he was happiest alone with his own company, and in the absence of any family life or stimulus to the emotions, he cultivated his imagination in solitude.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

Psycho-analysts will point to the obvious fact that these three men were technically ‘abnormal’, and I concede that all three exhibited more than the usual share of what is generally deemed ‘psycho-pathology’.  Nevertheless, all three survived and made important contributions to human knowledge and understanding which, I consider, they could not have made if they had not been predominantly solitary.  Would they have been happier if they had been able, or more inclined, to seek personal fulfilment in love rather than in their work?  It is impossible to say.  What should be emphasized is that mankind would be infinitely the poorer if such men of genius were unable to flourish, and we must therefore consider that their traits of personality, as well as their high intelligence, are biologically adaptive.  The psychopathology of such men is no more than an exaggeration of traits which can be found in all of us.  We all need to find some order in the world, to make some sense out of our existence.  Those who are particularly concerned with such a search bear witness to the fact that interpersonal relationships are not the only way of finding emotional fulfilment.

Solitude, a Return to the Self

How do you get from connection to isolation? You end up isolated if you don’t cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don’t have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we’re not able to appreciate who they are. It’s as though we’re using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we’re at risk, because actually it’s the opposite that’s true. If we’re not able to be alone, we’re going to be more lonely. And if we don’t teach our children to be alone, they’re only going to know how to be lonely.

Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?