Every bad behavior comes from an unmet need.
Category: JUDGMENT
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“Sometimes the annoyances that make you long for solitude are better for producing humility than the most complete solitude could be.”
—François Fénelon, The Seeking Heart
“In constant intercourse with other people we can sooner come to see our defects than we should in solitude.”
“The thing that annoys you about others is a reflection of you.”
—Maria Stenvinkel, 7 Things You Need to Know to Live Your Best Life and Make a Better World
“If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.”
—Hermann Hesse
Remember that it is not he who reviles you or strikes you, who insults you, but it is your opinion about these things as being insulting. When then a man irritates you, you must know that it is your own opinion which has irritated you. Therefore especially try not to be carried away by the appearance. For if you once gain time and delay, you will more easily master yourself.
Epictetus, Enchiridion
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
—Carl Jung
“We often look out to other people – they’re difficult, they’re rude, they’re arrogant, they’re…I can’t deal with that person, look at how bad they are. – but turn it around, let it become a mirror. Is that, in fact, myself? Is it myself?”
—Fr. Daniel Fanous, Dealing with Difficult People
“When I’m quiet, everyone is happy at home. Why? Maybe I’m the one that is causing all the turmoil.”
—Fr. Paul Girguis
“Some of us at work, we’re very nice. At church, we’re loved by all. But the people in our house cringe when the garage door opens and they know we’re coming home.”
—Fr. Anthony Messeh
Correct yourself of your faults and hold fast to piety. Commit your conscience, your life, and deeds unto God, Who knows our hearts. However, look upon yourself impartially. Are you not indeed difficult in your character, especially to those of your household? Perhaps you are morose, unkind, unsociable, taciturn. Expand your heart for sociability and kindness, though not to over-indulgence and connivance; be gentle, not provoking, calm in reproof.
—St. John of Kronstadt, My Life in Christ -
“We learned quickly, however, that freshly picked oranges were not the best for making orange juice. The best were the ones that had been set aside for a week or ten days. These were the sweetest. The sour edge is taken off with time.
I have found the same thing is true about what we say—the juice of our soul, you might say. I have found that it is usually better for me to say nothing at the beginning, at the moment I feel like saying something. At that moment, it is usually best not to say anything because if I say something the very moment I feel like saying it, the juice is not sweet. It’s sour. And no matter how true or right what I have to say is, all the hearer notices is the sour, bitter, angry or judgmental note hidden in my words. Even when I do not intend to communicate anything but truth and edification, a bit of the bitterness or arrogance or prejudice of my own soul slips in and somehow sours the entire message.”
___O Lord Jesus Christ, grant me the strength to keep silent in knowledge, and the grace to know when it is necessary to speak without passion.
—St. BarsanuphiusOn Remaining Silent, Praying in the Rain
Fr. Michael Gillis -
A brother asked Abba Poemen: “How can a person avoid speaking ill of his neighbor?” The elder said to him: “We and our brothers are two portraits. Whenever a man regards himself and finds fault [with what he sees], his brother will be found honorable before his eyes. But when he seems fine to himself, he finds his brother inferior in his sight.
Give Me a Word: The Alphabetical Sayings of the Desert Fathers
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A lot of times, we think there is a problem in my life because of this or that. We rarely think that it’s my sins that are causing a problem.
It’s not my coworker, it’s not my life situation, it’s not my illness, not my family situation, or anything else; it’s my sins. My sins are making me incapable of dealing with this problem in a way that a true christian would deal with it. No matter your problems, no matter whose fault it is, it’s also always your fault. That’s the way a Christian thinks.
—Fr. Seraphim Holland -
If the one who started the quarrel comes to his senses first and humbly asks his opponent for forgiveness, he will erase the guilt of his soul; and if the innocent remains irreconcilable in his pride, he will become even guiltier than the one who started the fight. It is good for the younger party to make the first step toward reconciliation, but if he does not have the sense to do so, nothing prevents the older or higher in rank to humble himself first.
The Meaning of Suffering and Strife & Reconciliations
Archimandrite Seraphim Aleksiev -
When I was ill and I did not give up my anger towards my brother, I saw that the angels were withdrawing from me and were crying over the death of my soul and that the demons were rejoicing at my anger. That is why I asked you to go to the brother and implore him for his forgiveness for me. When you brought him to me, and I bowed before him and he turned away from me, I saw an angel who was holding a fiery spear and who struck the unforgiving one with it. Immediately, he fell dead. But to me the same angel gave his hand and helped me up, and here I am healthy again.”
How often in life it happens that embittered and irreconciled Christians suddenly leave this world and set out for the kingdom of eternity with anger in their souls! What pardon can they expect from God if they themselves have not forgiven those who have sinned against them?! It is terrible to live irreconciled, but it is even worse to die irreconciled! Bitterness and strife make the soul unfit to bear divine grace, and thus they destroy it.
The Meaning of Suffering and Strife & Reconciliations
Archimandrite Seraphim Aleksiev -
The tax collector who was able to say, “me a sinner!” (Lk. 18:13) deserved to come out of the Temple justified, contrary to the Pharisee who found nothing for which to blame himself, and so said, “God, I thank You that I am not like other men- extortioners, unjust, adulterers” (Lk.18:11).
—H.H. Pope Shenouda III, Before the Just Judge
