“Reject completely every suspicion about someone else that rises in your heart, because it destroys love and peace.”
—Theoleptos, Metropolitan of Philadelphia
Category: LOVE
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Love every man as yourself—that is, do not wish him anything that you would not wish for yourself; think, feel for him just as you would think and feel for your own self; do not wish to see in him anything that you do not wish to see in yourself; do not let your memory keep in it any evil caused to you by others, in the same way as you would wish that the evil done by yourself should be forgotten by others; do not intentionally imagine either in yourself or in another anything guilty or impure; believe others to be as well-intentioned as yourself, in general, if you do not see clearly that they are evilly disposed; do unto them as you would to yourself, or even do not do unto them as you would not do unto yourself, and then you will see what you will obtain in your heart—what peace, what blessedness!
—St. John of Kronstadt, My Life in Christ -
Setting yourself as the good example for the other person, is of the utmost importance. For what the other one needs is your example and silence and love… Nothing else… This is what experience has taught me, both for children and grown ups – particularly for the grown ups. If you happen to express an opinion, make a comment or pass judgement on whatever the other one believes or practices, you will be hitting straight at his Ego. And the Ego will not admit, even inwardly, that what you are saying is correct. The Ego does not want to be told anything by anyone else. Unfortunately this is so… Therefore, keep your silence. Do not say anything until you are asked for your opinion. The Lord has said it clearly: “Give to every man that asketh of thee”. On all matters… Are you asked for your opinion? Then give it. That is my experience. Love and silence: with these two I am so happy, so quiet, so peaceful… I cannot describe it adequately to you. It is Heaven on Earth. I wish for nothing else…
—Mother Gavrilia -
He talks about healing a wound, and does not stop irritating it. He complains of sickness, and does not stop eating what is harmful. He prays against it, and immediately goes and does it. And when he has done it, he is angry with himself; and the wretched man is not ashamed of his own words. “I am doing wrong,” he cries, and eagerly continues to do so. His mouth prays against his passion, and his body struggles for it. He philosophizes about death, but he behaves as if he were immortal. He groans over the separation of soul and body, but drowses along as if he were eternal. He talks of temperance and self-control, but he lives for gluttony. He reads about the judgment and begins to smile. He reads about vainglory, and is vainglorious while actually reading. He repeats what he has learned about vigil, and drops asleep on the spot. He praises prayer, but runs from it as from the plague. He blesses obedience, but he is the first to disobey. He praises detachment, but he is not ashamed to be spiteful and to fight for a rag. When angered he gets bitter, and he is angered again at his bitterness; and he does not feel that after one defeat he is suffering another. Having overeaten he repents, and a little later again gives way to it. He blesses silence, and praises it with a spate of words. He teaches meekness, and during the actual teaching frequently gets angry. Having woken from passion he sighs, and shaking his head, he again yields to passion. He condemns laughter, and lectures on mourning with a smile on his face. Before others he blames himself for being vainglorious, and in blaming himself is only angling for glory for himself. He looks people in the face with passion, and talks about chastity. While frequenting the world, he praises the solitary life, without realizing that he shames himself. He extols almsgivers, and reviles beggars. All the time he is his own accuser, and he does not want to come to his senses—I will not say cannot.
—St. John Climacus, The Ladder of Divine Ascent -
“Are you hungry or empty?”
—Jonice Webb PhD -
Loneliness is an unsatisfied desire for love and connection with others, and this person finds it difficult to satisfy it. Perhaps the real reason for the inability of this person to connect with others is the lack of love within him, for if he sowed love, he would reap love too. This is a kind of selfishness, for he wants people to love him while he does not have the readiness to offer this love. He wants others to connect with him though he does not have the readiness himself to connect with them.
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For if the infant remains attached to his father and mother his whole life, [he will have negative issues]; therefore, detachment must take place, that he may become disciplined, and his life may become healthy.
And it happens sometimes that the fathers and mothers delay the onset of detachment in the life of their children, and by this they impede their growth and maturity.
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But gloominess may be generated in the heart, making them depressed and sad, and the feeling of abandonment arises in him, so he feels that all [people] have abandoned him, and this makes him feel insecure too. And then he may reach despair and loss of the meaning of life, all these making him turn into a rebellious person against society, and [making him] violent.
If the feeling of loneliness increased within a person, and he became fully convinced that he is unloved and undesirable, then he would distance himself fully from others and would avoid them.
This however will make him lonelier, and then he will go into a vicious cycle.
Of the curious matters, concerning loneliness, which were observed, is that they found that the lonely person turns creative and inventive. For there are people who feel lonely, yet they have composed wonderful musical pieces, and there are others who have painted the most beautiful paintings.
Nevertheless, this does not make us conclude that loneliness creates innovativeness nor inventiveness in man’s life. But what happens is that if a man were already talented in a particular field, like painting, music, poetry, or writing, then loneliness makes them excel all the more in their talent. This loneliness may polish these talents, thereby making the talented person produce a creative and inventive product.
—H.E. Metropolitan Youssef, How to Overcome Loneliness [The Definition of Loneliness]
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Research has shown that loneliness may begin from childhood. If a young child was brought up without being taught how to form friendships in his life, then when he reaches adolescence, having no friendships in life, it would be difficult for him to form friendships afterwards. Therefore, the feeling of loneliness would continue with him. The child may have formed friendships, but not with people who had a positive impact on his life, and therefore he will feel lonely when he grows up. This makes clear the importance of the role of fathers and mothers in encouraging their children to form valuable and meaningful friendships in their childhood.
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1. One of the very important causes of loneliness is that the child was left alone in infancy, as it happens in the cases of divorce. The father and mother may dispute with one another over who would get custody of the child. And it may happen that neither of them wants to take the child with them, and then the child feels abandoned, especially [coming] from people who do impact his lite.
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Divorce causes loneliness for the following three reasons:
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Take to yourself the Lord as a friend, a father, and a shepherd, as David the prophet said, “When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me.”
—H.E. Metropolitan Youssef, How to Overcome Loneliness [The Treatment for Loneliness] -
As to your longing for solitude, bear in mind that, as Nilus of Sora tells us, it does not profit everyone. Our love of God finds expression in our love of men. And even when men hate us we should thank them for it, because they are then the tools of our correction.
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10. Such has the Evangelist shown her, such did the angel find her, such did the Holy Spirit choose her. Why delay about details? How her parents loved her, strangers praised her, how worthy she was that the Son of God should be born of her. She, when the angel entered, was found at home in privacy, without a companion, that no one might interrupt her attention or disturb her; and she did not desire any women as companions, who had the companionship of good thoughts. Moreover, she seemed to herself to be less alone when she was alone. For how should she be alone, who had with her so many books, so many archangels, so many prophets?
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The saints give us this interesting way to think about the commandment to love our neighbors: They tell us that all our spiritual wealth is stored at our neighbor’s place. And all our neighbor’s wealth is stored with us. Alone in our homes, we are without funds, because the only financial assets we have are over there at our neighbor’s place. To collect some of our spiritual wealth, we have to reach out to our neighbor, where it is stored. And our neighbors, to possess their spiritual wealth, have to reach out to us. Without this reaching out to one another, we both live in spiritual poverty.
As therefore one who had his own gold buried in the house of his neighbor, should he refuse to go and there seek and dig it up, will never see it; so likewise here, he who will not seek his own profit in the advantage of his neighbor will not receive the crowns given for this. For God has placed each person’s profit with his neighbor, that we may be mutually bound together. —St. John Chrysostom
—Dee Pennock, God’s Path to Sanity
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111- Visiting
Visiting is a kind of pastoral care. St. Paul said about it, “Let us now go back and visit our brethren in every city, where we have preached the word of the Lord, and see how they are doing.” (Acts 15:36).
Visiting is essential for whoever is in a position of responsibility.
The bishop and the priest visit the flock and the servant visits his children. Even the ordinary faithful person sits with himself, reviewing his life, where is he going?
Visiting others means that you care about them and want to make sure they are all right.
Therefore, visiting creates a deep feeling of mutual love. You visit the one you love and the one whom you visited will love you for caring about him.
The opposite is also true; lack of visiting creates a feeling of loneliness and depression. How easy for one to say, “There is nobody to ask about me, even the Church and the priests!”
Many of our brothers were lost because nobody visited them or by the time they were visited, it was too late. Either because matters, by that time, became complicated or their hearts became void of responsive feelings, love of goodness and love of the one visiting them.
For this reason, the quick action of visiting solves problems before they become serious.
This applies especially to those who are young, weak, new or those who are facing tribulations or trials or under certain pressures and are unable to save themselves or find a solution.
There is a big difference between such a visit and a social visit.
You might visit a person without seeking to help him.
You might visit him and talk about many matters without referring to God and the extent of this person’s relationship with Him. A pastoral visit means entering into one’s life, knowing his problems and helping in solving them creating a deep relationship between him and God.
Pastoral care means visiting others, accompanied by God. And when you leave, you must have left God in his home and in his heart.
Let us conclude by hoping that you’ll ask yourself: who needs your visit? Whom have you visited but not actually helped?!
—H.H. Pope Shenouda III, Words of Spiritual Benefit Vol. III
