“The problem with my head is that it’s not content with peace of mind. I can be having a wonderful day, and then out of the blue something in me begins the pre-use ritual. I’ll start checking to see if I want to use. If I don’t want to use, my mind often won’t be content that way.  It will try to scratch the itch to make it itch so that I can then scratch it.  My heart begins to pound and my stomach tightens and shudders. This fragmented craving will be moving in several directions at once. There’s the memory of the thrilling rush.  There’s my present awareness that, since I’ve stopped using, the so-called rush never was so thrilling but more of a muzzle over my pain and anxiety. And there’s the seductive voice of the future that says, ‘Yes, but this time it will work. It’ll be wonderful. You can control it. No one will know.’ All these are colliding in my head.”

James’ struggle with this demon doesn’t differ much from Evagrius’ description of the demon stirring “thoughts of various affairs by means of the memory. He [the demon] stirs up all the passions…. In this way he hopes to offer some obstacle to that excellent course pursued in prayer on the journey toward God.”

Into the Silent Land: A Guide to the Christian Practice of Contemplation
Martin Laird

“I felt like sobriety was my secret weapon.”

—David Cain, Beer and Coffee: My Problem Children, Put to Bed at Last

I can’t remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn’t boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um—cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I’m running from feelings. I’m really, really happy to be done with all of that. I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know—things I wasn’t dealing with. I was boozing too much. It’s just become a problem. And I’m really happy it’s been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I’ve got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that’s part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve.

Brad Pitt Talks Divorce, Quitting Drinking, and Becoming a Better Man (via highsnobiety)

How about alcohol—you don’t miss it?

I mean, we have a winery. I enjoy wine very, very much, but I just ran it to the ground. I had to step away for a minute. And truthfully I could drink a Russian under the table with his own vodka. I was a professional. I was good.

So how do you just drop it like that?

Don’t want to live that way anymore.

Brad Pitt Talks Divorce, Quitting Drinking, and Becoming a Better Man (via highsnobiety)

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”

—Charles Bukowski, Women

“I think I knew I was in trouble.  The small, still voice inside me always knew.  I didn’t hide the drinking, but I hid how much it hurt”

— Sarah Hepola, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget

“Be kind to drunk people, for every one of them is fighting an enormous battle.”

— Sarah Hepola, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget

“Alcoholism is a self-diagnosis. Science offers no biopsy, no home kit to purchase at CVS. Doctors and friends can offer opinions, and you can take a hundred online quizzes. But alcoholism is something you must know in your gut.”

— Sarah Hepola, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget

“Let’s get a drink,” we say to each other, when what we mean is “Let’s spend time together.” It’s almost as if, in absence of alcohol, we have no idea what to do. “Let’s take a walk in the park” would be met with some very confused glances.

— Sarah Hepola, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget