Parents feel like their friends without kids have left them behind and are flaky. Kid-free people feel like their parent friends only want to hang out with other parents and are also flaky. Parents feel like society is incredibly hostile to them; single people feel like society is incredibly hostile to them; partnered people without kids feel like society is incredibly hostile to them.
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This is where I say very clearly: parents, I know it feels like you live in a never-ending hurricane season. You need to talk to your friends without kids, and you need to figure out ways to be in their lives, even if you think their lives are easier and should naturally bend towards yours.
And people without kids, I know it feels like the world thinks we’re weirdos and parents don’t understand the very real struggles and fears that accompany our lives. We also need to be more understanding of our friends with kids, and figure out how to balance our own often more flexible lives with some of the more inflexible demands of their lives.
How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents
ANNE HELEN PETERSEN
Category: FRIENDSHIP
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You have a lovely text threads with friends from your childhood or your 20s that pop off every few days.
But let’s be real: it’s just not enough. When you let yourself think about it, you feel incredibly isolated.
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But a whole lot of this ethos stems from a deep-seated belief in individualism. We think that just because we can “do it ourselves” (and by “it,” I mean raising kids, performing domestic labor, caring for others, finding economic security, living life) that we should do it ourselves….and our ability to do so evinces innate moral fortitude. We’re better people, in other words, because we did it alone.
The Dark Heart of Individualism
ANNE HELEN PETERSEN -
If you are constantly canceling plans with your friends, not following through, neglecting to answer messages for days and weeks on end, ignoring invitations, and not showing up for people at very important moments in their lives — that’s not introversion, that’s isolation.
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Real introversion is not rude or selfish, nor does it involve the complete disregard of other people’s needs.
Those behaviors only happen when we’re isolating. We usually isolate first if we have been hurt, and then more often if we do not want to be held accountable for some set of behaviors we know aren’t the best though we can’t seem to get a hold of them.
The Difference Between Being an Introvert and Isolating Yourself -
“I definitely have had friendships and moments with people from different backgrounds and in different stages of their lives…brief encounters where you know someone for a few days and it seems you’ve had a whole lifetime, and it shapes who you are as a person. To me that’s like the most comforting or best thing in life, when you have a little connection or you both find something funny, and it makes you feel not alone.”
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Our friendship was not entirely pure, although it’s worth acknowledging that few friendships are truly pure. Most friendships, to varying degrees, are based on proximity and convenience.
Bimbo Ubermensch
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It’s impossible to know someone for too long and too well without inevitably despising them. It’s better to space out your meetings with your friends and loved ones so you don’t get to know them too well and end up hating them.
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The moderate person has many relationships, and does not depend on a single person to fulfill all of his needs of love and friendship. If this person’s circumstances change, he may become troubled, because he depends on this [one] person completely. The more relationships a person has, the more accepting he becomes of the boundaries of others. Therefore, we have to have many mature and sound relationships.
—H.E. Metropolitan Youssef, How to Build Boundaries
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What happens when a person, because of upbringing, fails in bonding with others, and is not able to form successful relationships? The person feels lonely, isolated, and estranged.
This isolation and estrangement passes through three stages:
The first stage [consists of] grumbling and distress, in which the person feels pain because he is alone, and feels that he is a stranger and has nobody to ask about him, and that nobody loves him. But he may [even] grumble against God, and say that the Lord does not love him, and may grumble against society wherein he lives. This person complains, because he has failed in making sound relationships. For this person to overcome this matter, he has to deal with this pain in a positive way, and from it, as an impetus, set out to form relationships and friendships with others, and then he can heal himself and grow in a sound way. If he does not do this, he will enter into the next stage.
The second stage is what we call, the building up of the feelings of grumbling against everything around him, because the feeling of the pain of loneliness persists for a long time. So you find him grumbling against God and others, and against home, church, and school.
As for the third stage, it is the most dangerous, in which the person feels that he does not deserve to live, and then he ends his life and reaches the point of [committing] suicide.
From the aforementioned, the importance of forming relationships is made clear, and [also] bonding with God and entering into a relationship with God, so he will bask in the warmth of His love, and will attain success in his life, as Joseph bonded with God, and therefore, Scripture says, “The LORD was with Joseph, and he was a successful man.”
—H.E. Metropolitan Youssef, How to Develop Your Personality
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Do not suffer yourself to get excited by what is said about you. Let the world talk; do you strive to do the will of God; as for that of men, you could never succeed in doing it to their satisfaction, and it is not worth the pains. A moment of silence, of peace, and of union to God, will amply recompense you for every calumny that shall be uttered against you. We must love our fellows, without expecting friendship from them; they leave us and return, they go and come; let them do as they will; it is but a feather, the sport of the wind. See God only in them; it is He that afflicts or consoles us, by means of them, according as we have need.
—François Fénelon, Spiritual Progress
SO GOOD QUOTES 