As I began to work on getting my own life back on track, I relegated time with my mother to every other Sunday and holidays, holding her (and our relationship) at arm’s length. What seemed at the time to be self-care and boundaries was also a mixture of avoidance and burden—but I didn’t truly know this until a Tuesday afternoon one day in November.
She’d called me the night before and I’d ignored it; she was lonely and called me a lot, and I’d decided that I couldn’t always stop what I was doing to answer. But the next day I got a call at work from my brother, telling me to come home at once. When I got there I found that she’d died in her sleep the night before.
I checked the voicemail that she’d left me. In it she’d asked me to come over and see a movie with her.
The guilt caved me in.
The following weeks and months were a blur. I was beside myself with grief, regret, and the illogical thinking that can come with loss: Maybe if I’d come over that night she wouldn’t have died. Maybe if I’d been around more, called more, or been a better daughter, maybe that would have changed things.
Category: LONELINESS & SOLITUDE
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Sometimes when we have been overcome by pride or impatience, and we want to improve our rough and bearish manners, we complain that we require solitude, as if we should find the virtue of patience there where nobody provokes us: and we apologize for our carelessness, and say that the reason of our disturbance does not spring from our own impatience, but from the fault of our brethren. And while we lay the blame of our fault on others, we shall never be able to reach the goal of patience and perfection.
—St. John Cassian, Institutes, Book VIII, Chapter XVI. Of the Spirit of Anger. -
Accept your own aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And then accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they’ve got to come. You can’t force them.
—D.H. Lawrence -
“If you avoid crowds and turn your back on the world, be prepared to act as though you are the one who is making a mistake.”
—unknown hermit -
Being a human means accepting promises from other people and trusting that other people will be good to you. When that is too much to bear, it is always possible to retreat into the thought, “I’ll live for my own comfort, for my own revenge, for my own anger, and I just won’t be a member of society anymore.” That really means, “I won’t be a human being anymore.”
You see people doing that today where they feel that society has let them down, and they can’t ask anything of it, and they can’t put their hopes on anything outside themselves. You see them actually retreating to a life in which they think only of their own satisfaction, and maybe the satisfaction of their revenge against society. But the life that no longer trusts another human being and no longer forms ties to the political community is not a human life any longer.
Philosopher Martha Nussbaum on How to Live with Our Human Fragility
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“To stand firm in certain painful circumstances can demand much courage: the long night of waiting, the loneliness of not being understood, unjust treatment, poor health, personal defects, etc. We have to know how to stand firm in pure faith when we seem to be only weakness, seem to be only sin. We have to consent in advance to all that, to the desert of the desert. We have to desire the purity which suffering alone can teach.
It seems to me perseverance is a great school of humility: a gradual coming to know this self which persist in time, whose features become defined, whose character traits recur, whose limits take shape. Through trial one discovers one’s own heart, and becomes an authentic person situated in the real.
We are at times reduced to a material or animal perseverance, or even simply to being there, like a rock, without really knowing why, nor to what purpose. It is like a narrow room without light or air. Still, one goes on by a sort of gravitational law. Later, one realizes that perseverance is a pure grace, independent of personal merit. Then, the Spirit once again breathes life into our dried bones; we get up and go on.”
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No one tells you anything? No one communicates anything to you? Bless the Lord! He prevents your interior from cluttering, and covers problems. Love with gratitude those carry your worries for you. Aid them with your smiling docility. Accept your “carefree state.“ God has established you in solitude, he himself to be your sole worry. It is His will that He be the only bread of your soul. Do not consent to strain your ears, not even to the “gossip” of the community. Only pray for those who are in difficulty; exhort them, if the opportunity presents itself, to love the cross of Christ. Human consolations do nothing but weaken souls. Do not easily speak or receive things in confidence. Do you think that someone else will understand better than Jesus?
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“We seek more and more independence, and feel more and more alienated and lonely when we get it.”
—Slater, P. (1970). The Pursuit of Loneliness: American Culture at the Breaking Point. Boston: Beacon Press.
Encountering Loneliness: Which Condition Applies to You? -
Enter into your entertainments only as you are asked to do so. Be friendly, but do not seek out invitations. Those who watch you, at least the reasonable ones, will be happy to see you sociable enough to join them, but be careful enough to not always be found entertaining yourself. When you do appear at these entertainments, do so in a godly manner. The world is critical of people who condemn its ways while living by its rules.
—François Fénelon, The Seeking Heart -
Now and then, especially at night, solitude loses its soft power and loneliness takes over. I am grateful when solitude returns.
Between Solitude and Loneliness
Donald Hall
SO GOOD QUOTES 